Surgery!

Back in September after the first scan showed Chris was responding to chemo, I prayed and prayed and prayed that one day we would hear that surgery was possible. Dr. Gold, the oncologist, HOPED we would get to that point but oncologists don't like to make false promises so he always said HOPE and never made the commitment. He looked like a kid in a candy shop the day before Thanksgiving when he came in with the ct/pet scan results that showed surgery on the liver was possible and five days later we were in the liver surgeon's office. And today, we have a date, January 12th...two weeks from today!!

So we're tickled that surgery is so close, that it's even possible. Lots of prayer, lots of hard work, lots of chemo, lots of waiting on Chris, lots of work FROM Chris and lots of patience from kids has gone in to getting where we are now. A 13 year old has learned that life is more than video games and school work and yet balances those things with a new life that is more intense and more meaningful. An 18 year old became a college freshman and balances school and friends with chemo and helping out at home. And as a family, we are closer, we are doing this together, all of us.

God is at work and it's very easy to see that. But life and cancer and sickness and hard times beg questions that we hate as Christians, the ones that make us squirm in our pews because they almost hurt too much to ask...why this person, why not that person, why now, why everything. Seven months into a journey that we never wanted to take but are on we are left with the deepest assurance of God's Presence, of His never ending commitment to be in relationship with us and yet we are also completely left with the awareness that we will never understand God at all. No where in seminary did anyone ever tell me I would become truly wordless in how to talk about God. There is no language for God and we, as humans, are grasping in the dark to put words on this wordless Love. We have spent months now intersecting the paths of other people, of other families, of other Christians, some of whom get good news, some bad and there are no answers for why this person and why not the next. Hard questions, human questions...the ones we all feel in the secret places of our souls.

I wish I had some insightful answer for you about the day of the big epiphany, when it all became clear. I think that day is actually the day we come in to God's immediate presence and not to happen in this life. Instead we must be content with glimpses and a comforting Presence and the assurance that we are in a relationship with One who loves us despite our lack of understanding. I don't know why Chris, in particular, is responding so well to treatment but I'm more grateful than I can express and I DO believe God Himself is at work in healing him just like He did when He walked among us. And I believe it with all my heart and I am humbled and in awe. And when it comes right down to it that's all I really know.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh