Hiking and God

We went hiking today...we went to Deception Falls. Emily and Eric skipped across the trail like little kids, scaled the rocks like mountain goats and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Emily said it the was prettiest place on the planet and Eric truly enjoyed the hike. Chris would be proud, I think he IS proud.

Life is here and our planet is filled with riches. We miss Chris, more than I can say. Yet life is here now and today we went hiking and my kids smiled a lot. I wish things were different and Chris was here with us but he isn't and Emily and Eric are amazing companions and today we smiled.

We went hiking today and God was right alongside.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Breakfast and Saints

I sliced a banana to go on my Rice Krispies this morning, then I sprinkled on a little sugar and poured the milk. I learned this one from my grandmother. I haven't had Rice Krispies in years until the kids asked for Rice Krispies treats the other day so I got a big box at Safeway and I pushed past the sticks and twigs of my heart healthy cereal and decided to go for it this morning. Obviously Grandmother made an impact. I used a bowl from Chris' grandmother, a woman who also made an impact on my life. I have Aunt Dorothy's ring on my finger and a devotional Chris' Dad gave me years ago. I'm surrounded by the saints that have gone before me, including Chris.

The Church Triumphant has taken on a deeper meaning in the almost four months since March 4th. The fact that we are an Easter people is powerful and incredible and REAL. Amidst the sadness and pain of grief there is a celebration, the sting of death really is as powerless as Wesley proclaimed. It doesn't make the missing any less difficult but it really does help to define Whose we are. God really IS as engaged and active in life today as He was in the lives of Abraham and Moses and when we allow ourselves to experience that it's rather awe-inspiring. Scripture itself is an organic thing, still teaching, filled with the ability to nurture us today and we really WILL see one day as we are now seen. Being patient with that concept is hard, accepting that we just can't know everything now is even harder but no less our calling. God is at work in us and our world.

I sliced a banana for my Rice Krispies this morning just like Grandmother, I read a devotional from my father in law, I used the bowl from Grandmother Bowles, I saw Aunt Dorothy's smile in my heart when I looked at her ring and I truly cherish my own wedding ring from Chris. I am comforted by the saints who have gone before me, who now see fully. I am reminded once again that I belong to God and I continue to fall deeper in love with our Great Mystery.

I'm glad the kids begged for Rice Krispies treats...

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

My House

I now live in a yellow house. It's bright and sunny and new. When we bought our house in the summer of '93 our choice was driven financially and so when the house we found was gray there wasn't a lot of wiggle room to purchase AND paint. So we lived in a little gray house which was fine in the sunshine...HOWEVER winter is gray in Seattle, the driveway was gray and we routinely said, "We need to paint when we can." Chris often said, "We need to paint something bright, a nice yellow to chase away the winter blues." It had been our plan to celebrate his surgery completion with a new coat of paint on our house and, of course, it was planned to be yellow. Therefore, when it came time to paint, the color was not the decision, only the timing of the paint job. The painter wasn't even the decision, Chris wanted a man from our former church of whom he thought very highly, Deane Brotherton. So, yellow paint in hand, Deane has worked brightness into our lives. I know Chris is pleased.

School is over for the summer. Eric, our baby, is now a rising freshman. High school seemed worlds away for so long, preschool seemed like yesterday but this fall he starts at Kentridge and he's over six feet tall. Emily is officially a college sophomore, sporting a GPA that has me bursting with pride, despite a very difficult freshman year for our family. And life moves forward in our little yellow house...different than before, still with tears at times, but forward and with promise and hope.

I truly cherish my little yellow house, I cherish the two wonderful people who share it with me, I cherish the memories it holds and the future it will see. God is present and holds and carries and nurtures and speaks, even when our ability to listen is minimized. God is the constant that makes life work and I'm grateful. I cherish that most of all. Blessings DO abound, I am just slow to count them at times.

I now live in a yellow house...and the sun still shines above the Seattle clouds...and God still shines on us all.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Happy Birthday Eric!

Happy 14th birthday Eric! You have your Dad's eyes, his love of the trumpet, his sense of humor, his thirst for history and astronomy. Fourteen years ago tonight your Dad held you in his arms and then you helped to hold him in your own arms as he was born into a new life in God in March of this year. You were given almost fourteen years with a wonderful man of God as your Dad and you are emerging to be a wonderful man of God yourself. I both enjoy and admire you as a person. And you and the world should know that Dad and I are very proud of you...tonight and always.

Love,
Mom

Hymns and Worship

Thank you Grandmother, thank you Mom. Thank you for insisting that hymns be learned, even if the only way you learn them is just sitting in church and hearing them over and over. Thank you for reading the Moravian Daily Texts every day, I still remember Grandmother's bookmark she kept in it. Thank you for teaching liturgies, for always saying "say your prayers." And thank you that church was not optional.

Eric didn't need the hymnal in church yesterday, neither did Emily. They just knew the words too. So why does that matter?? Do I just want to show off in church that my kids know all the words?? Not at all...but those words will come into their hearts and heads at those moments in life when it gets hard. They are the songs of praise and confession, of hope and lament and of the basic understanding that God is God and we are not and all our trust is to be placed with Him.

Somewhere in the act of worship we not only experience THAT hour but lay the foundation for all the hours ahead. Thanks be to God!!

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Make a Difference!!

If you read this blog then you know our story. If you have been praying for us, if you prayed for Chris then be someone's ANSWER to their prayers!! Go to http://www.kiva.org/ and change a life.

Chris' favorite story of change was the one of the man and the starfish. For those of you who don't know it, a man was tossing beached starfish back into the ocean. Another man came along and said you can't possibly save them all, there are too many, how can you make a difference?? The man answered, "I can save this one, I can save this one" as he threw one after another back into the water.

If you have a PC then you have $25 and you are the answer to someone's prayer. How does it feel to know that you are THAT important, that God Godself is calling YOU just by reading this blog to be an answer to prayer? I believe that's true. Visit http://www.kiva.org/ and look into their eyes, click "lend" and meet these people. They don't want your money forever, it's just a loan. They WILL pay you back. They are more dependable at doing so than most Americans in fact.

Would you loan ME $25 if you thought it would change my life or that of Emily or Eric??
Be an answer to another mother's prayer!!

Grace for your journey AND THEIRS!!
Leigh

Three Months

In some ways March 4th feels like just yesterday. Still, in other ways, it feels like light years ago. Grief and pain are like that and they are very easily swayed by tiredness. Three months later we are still very tired, we still have more days with tears than without them and we struggle to find a new normal. And yet three months are but a blink in God's timing and I can speak for the kids and myself when I say that we continue to rejoice in both Chris' freedom from pain and his blissful happiness in the Immediate Presence.

In the last three months I have also fallen deeper in love with our Lord's grace and gifts to us as His children. He perpetually sends uplifting words and redirects my heart back to Him. He calls to me daily, as I know He does all believers. So why do I hear Him so much more clearly now?? Perhaps when the absolute worst thing you can imagine happens and you still have breath you begin to recognize the stripped down nature that is humanity all the time and realize control is merely an illusion. Perhaps I recognize my own needs for Him more and for that I humbly ask His forgiveness, my need is no greater now than it ever really was. What I do know with complete certainty is that Jeremiah spoke truth in Lamentations when he said God's steadfast Love NEVER ceases. New mercies DO come, even amidst extreme grief and pain. God is not only real and active and at work in His people and His world but He genuinely loves us in a manner that we can't possibly fathom. He guides, loves, directs and holds us through a life we often perceive as unfair and unjust, where good men die all too young, where children are hungry and war still prevails. He IS at work and staying in relationship amidst our lack of understanding is our only job. Faith is about believing in the One we cannot even comprehend and knowing with all that we are that our Mysterious Lover is truly Perfect.

Three months later I still miss Chris, painfully so. Three months later I still find peace. God is God and I am not and for that truth I am eternally grateful.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh