Okay so they humored me!!

Emily, 19
Eric, 14
Leavenworth, WA

Cars, Birthdays and Micro-Lending

Chris had a passion for old cars. Actually that's an understatement, Chris LOVED old cars and we always had to stop when he saw a "classic." He had a strong love of 55 Chevrolets, he appreciated old Corvettes thanks to our son and he was FILLED with car trivia. It is poignant and perfect that this years Lemay Car Show in Spanaway is on his birthday on August 28th. What better way to honor the life of my husband and their father than a pilgramage of sorts to a car show that boasts one of the few Tuckers in the country.

Yes, we are planning a birthday, where we want to eat afterwards, the cars we want to see, etc. Eric is going to take over as guide for the show, he's easily the most knowledgeable fourteen year old car guide I know. He was trained well by his Dad. We are planning a very special birthday and we would like to invite you to honor Chris' birthday as well in special way as well...with a gift to Women's Enterprises in his name.

After much conversation with my kids and prayerful contemplation of my own, I have decided that his birthday, our anniversary and on Easter to claim the promise of Eternal Life in Christ, I will contribute to this organization. I have been working on answering some questions for an article for an alumni newsletter at Seattle University. I shared with the SU folks a conversation Chris and I had in the fall and wondered to myself why I hadn't written about it here before now. It was during chemo, he was tired, we were enjoying a quiet morning together, sipping coffee and talking about what we wanted our lives to stand for and to mean. He said, "In addition to my life with you and the kids, I just want there to be a village somewhere that knows I lived, that knows I made a difference in their lives." That's why I chose Women's Enterprises for memorial gifts in his name. They will be the means to help me continue the good work that began in Chris. They are the instrument I will use to be his earthly hands and feet and I need your help to make that happen. Together, with your help, these women will help me insure there IS a village in Africa that not only knows Chris lived but knows that he cared deeply that their lives were made better, that their children were educated and that clean water was a RIGHT for them and all people.

So, when you see an old car going down the road this summer, you will think of Chris, as we do. And if you are in Seattle, perhaps you will take in the car show. On August 28, 2010, on what would have been Chris' 47th birthday, we will be there, likely with some tears, definitely with a camera and following after Eric who will undoubtedly impart some information about them that Chris taught him. And we will also honor him with birthday presents to Women's Enterprises. Please do the same.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Women's Enterprises
c/o University Presbyterian Church
4540 15th Ave. NE
Seattle, WA 98105

*make a memo note that it is in memory of Chris Weber

Backyard Discoveries

We hit Duplos in the backyard! Eric was elated. We also found countless plastic practice golf balls, a couple of baseballs, two tennis balls, one very dead volley ball and one Roll-around person. We're landscaping our backyard, the part of which was overgrown and where we had thrown raked leaves, fallen branches, etc. Along the way we have turned into archeologists of sorts, tracing childhood of Eric especially, countless toys, and lots of "Oh I remember that..."

We're taking a Sabbath rest today, we're sore and tired, we're slowly getting in shape too, it's hard work. Chris did so much of the landscaping in the yard that it's both easy to feel close to him while working in it and feel like we are honoring him in working on it more and making it increasingly pretty. We have planted some flowering shrubs, to remind us of our first summer and of the healing that we still continue to do. Healing doesn't mean forgetting or not missing, it means learning to adjust and live with an ever present absence. It means learning to be together in the yard and say "Dad would really like this" or "Dad wanted to plant some more trees here." The three of us sweat together out there, we dig and clear and haul and remember. And Eric uses the chain saw much to his delight, he is truly all boy. Emily loves flowers and gardening and is a strong example of a Jesuit education, constantly working more and more toward sustainability and using our yard to grow more fruits and vegetables. And oh my gosh can she split wood!! Chris taught her and she is our official wood splitter and she's not only good at it but she likes it.

In a little less than two weeks it will be five months. I continue to be blessed with the two most amazing companions God ever gave a mother and I cherish them beyond words. We continue to hurt and miss Chris and yet to rejoice with him that he has eternal life with Christ. I've read a lot of books, I've talked with others and my conclusion is that grief is what you feel and there is not a correct way to grieve. I also continue to experience the complete trust that God is meeting us each exactly where we are, as He always has and will.

So if you are in the Seattle area come see our work in progress...our backyard...and our lives.

Grace for your journey and a glass of ice tea for your Sabbath summer day,
Leigh

Faithfulness

Do you ever think about how many times you load your dishwasher? Do the same load of laundry? Mow the yard? Vacuum the carpet, etc.? When Chris died life seemed to divide for me, into the life before he died and the life after. The tasks, however, did not. I still load, unload and load the dishwasher every day. I still do laundry. The maintenance things of life don't stop just because our lives change. Early on, I waffled back and forth as to whether these things were more annoyance or comfort. I was tired, I had zero energy for much and I wanted to spend what little I had on and with my kids.

This arrived in my inbox today, further proof to me that God has invaded my email and continues to pursue my spirit with an unrelenting love and persistence:

"Faithfulness is the consecration in overalls. It is the steady acceptance and performance of the common duty and immediate task without any reference to personal preferences-because it is there to be done, and so is a manifestation of the Will of God... The fruits of the Spirit get less and less showy as we go on. Faithfulness means continuing quietly with the job we have been given, in the situation where we have been placed; not yielding to the restless desire for change. It means tending the lamp quietly for God without wondering how much longer it has got to go on. Steady, unsensational driving, taking good care of the car. A lot of the road to heaven has to be taken at 30 miles per hour." - Evelyn Underhill

And so He continues to coax me into deeper relationship with Him, encouraging me to stay in that relationship even when I am baffled by Him. Our loving Lord is dedicated to His daily tasks of loving and pursuing US. I'm grateful for the example of His faithfulness and persistence...it's the model of how to live that has kept me going for almost five months now. When the worst thing I could imagine actually happened God Himself picked me back up and said live.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Bandaids and Blackberries

We have a big yard by Seattle standards. Up against the back fence blackberry vines perpetually try to invade and every spring Chris dutifully took his clippers, donned his leather work gloves and did the guy thing and whacked them down. They never overgrew thanks to his faithful commitment to maintaining our fence line. Last summer he was newly diagnosed, undergoing very high dose chemo and it was all I could do to keep the yard mowed, let alone find and take care of the details of some of what he had always done so they didn't get cut back.

Tonight I am covered with scraps, long scratches, bloody socks and lots of bandaids. The blackberry vines have once again been beaten into submission. I'm sore, I'm aching and I'm pretty banged up and I'm realizing once again what a quiet yet diligent man I married. He spent a good long day each spring doing what I spent today doing. I don't remember him being too sore, or at least owning it. I don't remember bloody socks or bandaids, but he was smart enough not to wear shorts. :>( What I do know is that as I continue to try and fill his shoes on so many levels I realize those shoes were pretty big. I also realize I can't ever truly fill them, nor should I.

There will always be an absence in our lives, time won't change that. But I AM comforted, I felt his presence in my backyard today, I felt him lovingly saying why don't you wear long pants. I feel him often, gently nudging me on not only in homeownership and parenting but in my faith. What a good man I married and what a loving God I have guiding me through the challenges of life. I just need to remember the long pants.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Trust

This arrived in my email box this morning:
"If I didn't have spiritual faith, I would be a pessimist. But I'm an optimist. I've read the last page of the Bible. It's all going to turn out all right." -Billy Graham

It's all going to turn out all right? Even MY life?? Even that of my kids?? Yes! Apparently even for us and for each of you. It's all truly going to turn out all right because of our Loving God. At closing in on five months since Chris was born into the new life with Christ, I have begun to find snippets of normalcy. I'm praying for a couple of people specifically right now, one who is facing significant physical issues, another who is facing emotional ones. Is life going to turn out all right for THEM?? Yes, for them too. Will my prayers be answered in the ways I am hoping?? Perhaps or perhaps slightly differently or radically differently but they WILL be answered. And healing of body, mind and spirit will come.

I used to throw salt over my shoulder when I spilled it on the table. It seems silly to me now but I remember it vividly. I used to say "take that back" when someone would say "well I could die tomorrow." That seems not only silly but wrong. Control in life is an illusion for us...and yet we are invited into relationship with One who will guide, protect and care for us always. It's a promise. It doesn't always go according to OUR plans or what WE think is the best outcome, that's the downside of that mirror dimly seeing that we all do. When you allow yourself to embrace the fact that you don't have to try and control things, that you really ARE genuinely loved and held by God, there is a peace that takes over your life and a pure energy that fills it. Staying in relationship doesn't mean understanding anymore than we ever have, it only means staying in relationship and knowing that this Great Mystery really does have you. And I believe with all that I am now that it really is all going to turn out all right. God is God and we are not.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Normal Life

Amidst the ever present absence and the intense grief moments, normalcy DOES come at times and I know Chris is very proud of us when we have the normal moments. We had a GREAT 4th. Eric blew up all manner of fireworks, Emily caught up with some friends and I enjoyed the company of my and Chris' very best friends.

And today finds us sleeping off a long evening of fun, sweeping the street and driveway of fireworks remains and heading out to Eric' bass lesson this afternoon. Chris, I know, is proud of us. I miss him tremendously still but I also rejoice with him. I think often of what it must be like to be completely in the Presence. Our pastor once again hit the nail on the head in his sermon yesterday. Check that out at www.upc.org and clicking on the sermon link.

God is God...and each day I realize more and more just how tightly held I am by this Mysterious Lover of our souls.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh

Four Months

Still missing, still loving, still leaning in to the Presence. Still held.