Grief

I'm very struck this morning by the nature of grief and how people grieve. I think Eric grieves outside...he grieves with a chain saw and a hoe and a shovel and lumber and nails and all the things that indicate we are going to work on the yard and outside stuff. He's building a fence, with some help, and when he is done, we're going to get a nice plaque made so he can dedicate the fence to his dad. Chris must be smiling down from heaven because Eric is smiling the whole time he works, having clearly learned a LOT from a dad who taught him how to do all the things that now come as second nature. And I just keep whispering up to heaven, "Nice job dad."

Emily grieves academically I think. She has a resolve for college and graduate school that I admire and am excited to see. She wants to go to a good graduate school, learn to publish papers like Chris did and already wants to teach. He must smile down on her as well, having clearly gotten through that learning and education are invaluable and money and prestige fail in comparison to sharing knowledge. Another nice job there dad!!

And I think I grieve while I alone do all the things that he did WITH me before, parenting being the biggest. I'm struck by the way it's so natural to say WE instead of I. I was only twenty when I married Chris and my entire adult life has been about being part of WE and I loved it. In many ways I will always feel the sense of WE when I think of life. They are OUR kids, they will never be just mine or just Chris', they will always being OURS. And so much of who I am has been shaped by the influence of Chris in my life. I look at the world and all that is in it differently because I have had the privilege of his thoughts and opinions throughout my adult life. They comingled with my own in a beautiful way and I grew. My interest and love of micro-lending has turned into passion, as I pick up the good work started in Chris and answer the calling that was handed first to him. And I'm going to finish up my own graduate degree. And perhaps that in itself is the gift of being WE...God calls and WE listened, both as individuals and together.

So the three of us now grieve, but we also smile and we laugh and we see the beautiful weather and we get outside and we breathe and we live. Chris wants that for us, but more importantly GOD wants that for us and has given it to us. And we honor Chris when we build fences, study and learn and grow in knowledge and when we work to further micro-lending. And so I guess I am still part of WE...and I'm grateful. Nice job God!!

Grace for your journey,
Leigh