Our kids are SO COOL!!! As I type this Emily holds one hand, Eric holds the other and they are just loving their dad to pieces and this mom is pretty danged swelled up with tears. No matter what else either of us accomplishes in life or has already accomplished, we have done parenting really well because they are EXCEPTIONAL people.
It's hard to say to your kids, "The doctor thinks it's a long shot." But today I told my kids that. And then I reminded them of Lazarus and Jesus and that Dr. Precht is not giving up and neither are we. So here we are, all four of us, just like we have been from May 15th the day he was diagnosed...together.
God is God are we are not. Neither are our doctors or our nurses and in God we put our faith and to God we pray. God is at work here and we take each moment as it comes, aware that we are a family but more especially that we are children of a Loving God.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Saturday
"Where ya'll from?" When the ICU doctor came in and talked with me this morning he asked that question. My heart just kinda swelled up. Seems like God knows that we need comfort food for the soul and southern accents and doctors who know that grits go better with eggs and bacon than hashbrowns ever could are comforting to our souls.
There is so much grace in this place, I have new appreciation for what it means to be kind and how people who are totally sedated and don't know anything that is going on are still human beings who need to be covered and treated with respect. Chris hasn't been awake since Sunday night, my last memory was of him terrified because he couldn't breathe and he was trying so hard to get it under control and now I know his lungs just wouldn't let him. For the last week I have talked TO him, I have read TO him and the kids and I have loved on him. And yet he is still the dad and we finish sentences FOR him. Eric says "hi dad", Emily or I utter Chris' line back, "hi sport." And the word princess fills my heart each time Emily walks in the room because I know he is dying to get the word out himself.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. For years now, Chris and I have celebrated it with our kids, me and Eric and Chris and Emily. And I know more than anything he would like to take her to dinner and to replace the pendant he gave her a few years ago that she lost on campus recently. And that hurts, it hurts for her but it hurts for him and, given that, Eric and I have decided to celebrate the day some later time.
His kidneys are not working well, he is putting out urine but it's not clearing his toxins and so his blood work indicates it may be time to initiate some dialysis. Why does that feel like failure to me?? And yet no one is giving up, our liver surgeon, a man for whom I have deep respect, is not ready to give up on him. I, by no means, am so we just need to pray a little harder for these kidneys to do their filtering job in addition to just making urine.
God is so totally in this place. God so totally meets us each where we are and God knows this story and trusting is all we need to do. Trust is hard and yet it's all we have so trust is what we give. My husband is laying in that bed, Emily's dad is in that bed, Eric's dad is in that bed, but most importantly, a child of God is laying in that bed and that's what I most realize. Chris is so much more than husband or father, or professor, or trumpet player, he is my brother in Christ. And this is where we are...children of God, not patient and family, but children of God. And we give this to Him and we wait.
Grace for your journey,
Leigh
There is so much grace in this place, I have new appreciation for what it means to be kind and how people who are totally sedated and don't know anything that is going on are still human beings who need to be covered and treated with respect. Chris hasn't been awake since Sunday night, my last memory was of him terrified because he couldn't breathe and he was trying so hard to get it under control and now I know his lungs just wouldn't let him. For the last week I have talked TO him, I have read TO him and the kids and I have loved on him. And yet he is still the dad and we finish sentences FOR him. Eric says "hi dad", Emily or I utter Chris' line back, "hi sport." And the word princess fills my heart each time Emily walks in the room because I know he is dying to get the word out himself.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. For years now, Chris and I have celebrated it with our kids, me and Eric and Chris and Emily. And I know more than anything he would like to take her to dinner and to replace the pendant he gave her a few years ago that she lost on campus recently. And that hurts, it hurts for her but it hurts for him and, given that, Eric and I have decided to celebrate the day some later time.
His kidneys are not working well, he is putting out urine but it's not clearing his toxins and so his blood work indicates it may be time to initiate some dialysis. Why does that feel like failure to me?? And yet no one is giving up, our liver surgeon, a man for whom I have deep respect, is not ready to give up on him. I, by no means, am so we just need to pray a little harder for these kidneys to do their filtering job in addition to just making urine.
God is so totally in this place. God so totally meets us each where we are and God knows this story and trusting is all we need to do. Trust is hard and yet it's all we have so trust is what we give. My husband is laying in that bed, Emily's dad is in that bed, Eric's dad is in that bed, but most importantly, a child of God is laying in that bed and that's what I most realize. Chris is so much more than husband or father, or professor, or trumpet player, he is my brother in Christ. And this is where we are...children of God, not patient and family, but children of God. And we give this to Him and we wait.
Grace for your journey,
Leigh
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Another Day in ICU
Chris is stable this morning, nothing improved overnight but nothing got worse. His pulse is a little high but that's apparently a side effect of some drugs. His platelets went down and that's apparently a side effect of being so sick. And I waffle between tears and smiles when doctors talk. I hang on every word, I ask a lot of questions and I have been met with tremendous grace.
Dr. Roper is the ICU doctor here and I like him a lot. He's Southern, he's got a GREAT accent that reminds me of being a kid and he makes me feel safe. It makes me wonder if MY kids feel safe, then I wonder how can they, how can they live normal lives when our lives are anything BUT normal. Eric's not in school, none of the social workers here think he should be, his school agrees and understands, I don't think he should be, Chris needs him here and more importantly Eric wants to be here. That's not normal but it's all we have.
Emily goes to class across the street and comes back and forth. Other freshman go to student dining and talk about mixers and parties and where they are going on Friday night but Emily comes to Swedish, she eats hospital food, she naps on a cot in her dad's room and does her homework on her laptop with the hospital's wireless connection. That's not normal either.
And I spend my days torn between motherhood and being a wife. I can't leave and yet I can't watch monitors so I choose to pray, to read, write and talk to Chris. And none of that is normal either. But this is where we are and this is where God meets us, amidst the not normal, amidst our worries and our tears, amidst our impatience and our not understanding.
I went to sleep thinking about Romans and patience building perseverance and wanting so badly to learn patience quickly and realizing how ridiculous that concept really is and having to step back and say "Okay God, I get it, You want me to do this trust fall here and give up the having to know and give up the having to have some control and learn that control is sin in my life and that surrender is the path to closeness with You."
Why didn't anyone cover this part in Sunday School or maybe they did and I was so busy coloring my leaflet and trying to make Joseph's coat prettier than the next girl's that I didn't realize. I look at the scriptures with new eyes suddenly...real people, scared and worried and desperately wanting normal and finding that God had another plan and both wanting to serve God but wanting to maintain some control. Because control is what human beings want and do and crave and I'm realizing it's of Satan not of God. Control never was ours to start with when it comes down to it. So I'm once again surrendering this morning to a God that knows this story, even before we knew there WAS a story. A story that God knows the beginning, end and middle of and one in which I fall but don't even have a script with my lines so I'm stumbling around the stage not knowing where I fit in. And yet I do. I fit in. And God will feed me the lines when it's my time to know them. Maybe He was all along, I was just too busy editing.
Dr. Roper is the ICU doctor here and I like him a lot. He's Southern, he's got a GREAT accent that reminds me of being a kid and he makes me feel safe. It makes me wonder if MY kids feel safe, then I wonder how can they, how can they live normal lives when our lives are anything BUT normal. Eric's not in school, none of the social workers here think he should be, his school agrees and understands, I don't think he should be, Chris needs him here and more importantly Eric wants to be here. That's not normal but it's all we have.
Emily goes to class across the street and comes back and forth. Other freshman go to student dining and talk about mixers and parties and where they are going on Friday night but Emily comes to Swedish, she eats hospital food, she naps on a cot in her dad's room and does her homework on her laptop with the hospital's wireless connection. That's not normal either.
And I spend my days torn between motherhood and being a wife. I can't leave and yet I can't watch monitors so I choose to pray, to read, write and talk to Chris. And none of that is normal either. But this is where we are and this is where God meets us, amidst the not normal, amidst our worries and our tears, amidst our impatience and our not understanding.
I went to sleep thinking about Romans and patience building perseverance and wanting so badly to learn patience quickly and realizing how ridiculous that concept really is and having to step back and say "Okay God, I get it, You want me to do this trust fall here and give up the having to know and give up the having to have some control and learn that control is sin in my life and that surrender is the path to closeness with You."
Why didn't anyone cover this part in Sunday School or maybe they did and I was so busy coloring my leaflet and trying to make Joseph's coat prettier than the next girl's that I didn't realize. I look at the scriptures with new eyes suddenly...real people, scared and worried and desperately wanting normal and finding that God had another plan and both wanting to serve God but wanting to maintain some control. Because control is what human beings want and do and crave and I'm realizing it's of Satan not of God. Control never was ours to start with when it comes down to it. So I'm once again surrendering this morning to a God that knows this story, even before we knew there WAS a story. A story that God knows the beginning, end and middle of and one in which I fall but don't even have a script with my lines so I'm stumbling around the stage not knowing where I fit in. And yet I do. I fit in. And God will feed me the lines when it's my time to know them. Maybe He was all along, I was just too busy editing.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Romans 5:3-7
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
This was the passage my bible fell open to this evening, when I was sitting down to read something for Chris and me. I wanted to take a short break from John. Rejoicing in suffering?? And yet I feel SOMETHING, it's hard to call it rejoicing because I hurt to see him hurt but I do know that we are growing, growing as people, growing as a family, growing in faith. And I believe Chris is also growing in faith. He is supported, sustained and loved through your prayers, your emails, your love. Thank you seems so inadequate that I am ashamed not to have the words to share my heart.
Continue to pray for him please. He is making small forward moving baby steps and doctors are encouraged and through it we are each learning perseverance. I pray, in time, our characters reflect the goodness and the grace of standing in the Presence of God amidst the hardest thing any of us has ever done. I pray that character produces great hope in each one of us. We are forever changed, we are forever new, we are forever in awe of a Savior that holds us tightest when life is hardest and we are forever in awe of how He lives in each of you as you love us and lift us up to him.
Grace for your journey,
Leigh
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
This was the passage my bible fell open to this evening, when I was sitting down to read something for Chris and me. I wanted to take a short break from John. Rejoicing in suffering?? And yet I feel SOMETHING, it's hard to call it rejoicing because I hurt to see him hurt but I do know that we are growing, growing as people, growing as a family, growing in faith. And I believe Chris is also growing in faith. He is supported, sustained and loved through your prayers, your emails, your love. Thank you seems so inadequate that I am ashamed not to have the words to share my heart.
Continue to pray for him please. He is making small forward moving baby steps and doctors are encouraged and through it we are each learning perseverance. I pray, in time, our characters reflect the goodness and the grace of standing in the Presence of God amidst the hardest thing any of us has ever done. I pray that character produces great hope in each one of us. We are forever changed, we are forever new, we are forever in awe of a Savior that holds us tightest when life is hardest and we are forever in awe of how He lives in each of you as you love us and lift us up to him.
Grace for your journey,
Leigh
KEEP PRAYING PEOPLE!!!
Doctors are ENCOURAGED at both the stability and the baby steps forward Chris has made overnight. They are zoning in on his portacath, that is used for him to get chemo, as the potential source of the bacteria that has caused this. Our liver surgeon, a heck of a great guy, is ready to pull it out today and get that area clean.
I am reading your prayers to Chris. I am reading the Gospel of John to him as well. After each miracle story, I am praying with him, reminding him that we worship a God that is alive and well and performing healing today just like then. I read the story of the wedding feast last night and I said to Chris, "At the touch of His hand, water became not only wine but fine wine. And this same Jesus is our Lord today. We claim the healing power and ask boldly for such a touch by Him."
There are NO WORDS to this experience and EACH OF YOU is as important as any surgeon, any infectious disease doctor, any nurse, anyone of us who sit with him...because you are praying. And prayer is medicine that is stronger and more important than anything here at Swedish. I am getting prayers and supportive emails to my inbox all the time, I spend the day reading them to Chris and we are sharing this with everyone. It's the power of the Holy Spirit that is at work in each of you that is helping him. Thank you for taking care of him in such a Godly way. Thank you for helping the doctors have good discernment.
So, keep praying!!!
I am reading your prayers to Chris. I am reading the Gospel of John to him as well. After each miracle story, I am praying with him, reminding him that we worship a God that is alive and well and performing healing today just like then. I read the story of the wedding feast last night and I said to Chris, "At the touch of His hand, water became not only wine but fine wine. And this same Jesus is our Lord today. We claim the healing power and ask boldly for such a touch by Him."
There are NO WORDS to this experience and EACH OF YOU is as important as any surgeon, any infectious disease doctor, any nurse, anyone of us who sit with him...because you are praying. And prayer is medicine that is stronger and more important than anything here at Swedish. I am getting prayers and supportive emails to my inbox all the time, I spend the day reading them to Chris and we are sharing this with everyone. It's the power of the Holy Spirit that is at work in each of you that is helping him. Thank you for taking care of him in such a Godly way. Thank you for helping the doctors have good discernment.
So, keep praying!!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Grace
As I type this, I am listening to Emily and Eric sitting on either side of their dad, telling him how much they love him, they need him and all of the things that they love about him and why they need him to get well and come home. Needless to say, tears stream down my cheeks. This is grace, the grace of children.
I, in turn, am reading the COUNTLESS emails and facebook posts that are flooding my inbox, so many people all over praying for Chris. This, too, is grace.
And we are surrounded by a loving God, who is leading us through. I am sharing, without permission but I trust her to be okay with this, a prayer my cousin Jodi wrote for Chris and Jodi, thank you for your grace.
Dear Lord,
We come to You right now with humble spirits and joyful hearts.... We are overwhelmed by Your mercy and grace bestowed upon us daily. You love us so much, inspite of ourselves and we praise You for that. Today, You alone, understand our pain and fear. You know the valley we are walking through because You have already walked it. We know that this set back has not caught You by surprise but, we are scared none the less. God thank you for the healing that has taken place so far... You are the great physician and we hold tight to our faith, knowing that You are worthy and able! Lord, right now, I pray that Your presence would fill that room right now! I pray believing that RIGHT NOW God, You would place Your healing hands on Chris' kidneys..... I pray believing that right now God, Your arms are wrapped around his body laying an anointing on him that will cure all his ailments. I pray right now God that Your mercy would be felt and there would be a peace in that room that everyone doctor and nurse who enters will feel. Lord, I pray through this that everyone who has the priviledge of treating Chris would feel a change in their own lives with You Lord. We know that the medicine needs time to work and we know that Chris' body needs time to heal. Thank you for the hospital that has the capability to make all those things work physically for him.
Heavenly Father, You are intimately aware of the struggle we are experiencing -- the pain and the despair. You know the desire of our hearts for Chirs to be healed of this illness. We ask now for Your healing touch. We know that You are able and that just like in Bible times, You can heal me. We also understand that You will chose what is best for Chris. We pray that through this trial, we will ALL draw close to You -- that You will be our comfort and strength. We pray that ultimately, whatever happens, You will be glorified through this. We pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.
I, in turn, am reading the COUNTLESS emails and facebook posts that are flooding my inbox, so many people all over praying for Chris. This, too, is grace.
And we are surrounded by a loving God, who is leading us through. I am sharing, without permission but I trust her to be okay with this, a prayer my cousin Jodi wrote for Chris and Jodi, thank you for your grace.
Dear Lord,
We come to You right now with humble spirits and joyful hearts.... We are overwhelmed by Your mercy and grace bestowed upon us daily. You love us so much, inspite of ourselves and we praise You for that. Today, You alone, understand our pain and fear. You know the valley we are walking through because You have already walked it. We know that this set back has not caught You by surprise but, we are scared none the less. God thank you for the healing that has taken place so far... You are the great physician and we hold tight to our faith, knowing that You are worthy and able! Lord, right now, I pray that Your presence would fill that room right now! I pray believing that RIGHT NOW God, You would place Your healing hands on Chris' kidneys..... I pray believing that right now God, Your arms are wrapped around his body laying an anointing on him that will cure all his ailments. I pray right now God that Your mercy would be felt and there would be a peace in that room that everyone doctor and nurse who enters will feel. Lord, I pray through this that everyone who has the priviledge of treating Chris would feel a change in their own lives with You Lord. We know that the medicine needs time to work and we know that Chris' body needs time to heal. Thank you for the hospital that has the capability to make all those things work physically for him.
Heavenly Father, You are intimately aware of the struggle we are experiencing -- the pain and the despair. You know the desire of our hearts for Chirs to be healed of this illness. We ask now for Your healing touch. We know that You are able and that just like in Bible times, You can heal me. We also understand that You will chose what is best for Chris. We pray that through this trial, we will ALL draw close to You -- that You will be our comfort and strength. We pray that ultimately, whatever happens, You will be glorified through this. We pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.
PRAYERS NEEDED!!!
Chris is in critical condition at Swedish Hospital with Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome from being septic with a bacterial infection from his surgery last month. The last thing he said to me before they put him on a ventilator, something to which he agreed so he could do everything to make it through this, was this: "I'm 46, I want to do much more with my life and my family. Please pray for my healing." I should have done this two days ago, but here is my request: Chris has two interconnected specific problems as I write this: 1) His blood pressure is too low from the bacterial assault on his body; and 2) His kidneys are struggling to work. Please pray for these two specific situations and then, of course, the more general prayers for his body to fight the infection -- his body WILL do that the best with God's help.
We have good doctors and nurses but this is God's medicine we most need. Pray that God will use these people to be His hands and instruments of healing.
We have good doctors and nurses but this is God's medicine we most need. Pray that God will use these people to be His hands and instruments of healing.
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