Saturday

"Where ya'll from?" When the ICU doctor came in and talked with me this morning he asked that question. My heart just kinda swelled up. Seems like God knows that we need comfort food for the soul and southern accents and doctors who know that grits go better with eggs and bacon than hashbrowns ever could are comforting to our souls.

There is so much grace in this place, I have new appreciation for what it means to be kind and how people who are totally sedated and don't know anything that is going on are still human beings who need to be covered and treated with respect. Chris hasn't been awake since Sunday night, my last memory was of him terrified because he couldn't breathe and he was trying so hard to get it under control and now I know his lungs just wouldn't let him. For the last week I have talked TO him, I have read TO him and the kids and I have loved on him. And yet he is still the dad and we finish sentences FOR him. Eric says "hi dad", Emily or I utter Chris' line back, "hi sport." And the word princess fills my heart each time Emily walks in the room because I know he is dying to get the word out himself.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. For years now, Chris and I have celebrated it with our kids, me and Eric and Chris and Emily. And I know more than anything he would like to take her to dinner and to replace the pendant he gave her a few years ago that she lost on campus recently. And that hurts, it hurts for her but it hurts for him and, given that, Eric and I have decided to celebrate the day some later time.

His kidneys are not working well, he is putting out urine but it's not clearing his toxins and so his blood work indicates it may be time to initiate some dialysis. Why does that feel like failure to me?? And yet no one is giving up, our liver surgeon, a man for whom I have deep respect, is not ready to give up on him. I, by no means, am so we just need to pray a little harder for these kidneys to do their filtering job in addition to just making urine.

God is so totally in this place. God so totally meets us each where we are and God knows this story and trusting is all we need to do. Trust is hard and yet it's all we have so trust is what we give. My husband is laying in that bed, Emily's dad is in that bed, Eric's dad is in that bed, but most importantly, a child of God is laying in that bed and that's what I most realize. Chris is so much more than husband or father, or professor, or trumpet player, he is my brother in Christ. And this is where we are...children of God, not patient and family, but children of God. And we give this to Him and we wait.

Grace for your journey,
Leigh